E003: Should parents spank their children?

Thanks for listening to the On The Way podcast. Whether you're on the way to school to drop off your toddler or raising a teenager, we're all on the way trying to be better parents. Now let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the On the Way podcast. It's your host, Phil Mionne, Calvary pastor from Miami, Florida, and I'm excited to get into today's episode. But before we do, just a quick reminder. If you haven't subscribed, please subscribe to wherever you watch podcasts, whether it's YouTube or Spotify or Apple.

And, leave a like. Leave a comment. Especially leave a question, or maybe there's a topic you want us to talk about. Would love to hear from you guys. And most importantly, share.

I think the cool thing about this podcast is we wanna make sure it's a resource that gets out. And so if you think this would help a parent, whether they have adult kids, whether they have young kids, whether they're a single mom, please share this, and you could share it wherever you watch podcasts. Super easy. We would love for the podcast, to be shared with so many different parents and for it to be a resource to help them and be a blessing to them. But I'm excited for this episode.

It's a, it's a spicy episode because today, we're going to talk about every Hispanic mom's favorite topic, which is beating their children. I'm just kidding. That was a little too far. We're talking about spanking our kids. I know the moment I said this, literally every millennial parent like myself, we have PTSD.

Like, we see a chancleta. We see a hanger. We see a belt. We see backhands just flashing before our very eyes. But here's the truth.

As much as we joke around it, I am a product of good discipline. Obviously, in the moment when I'm a little kid, it doesn't feel great. I don't think it felt great for any of us. But it begs the question, is spanking your children necessary? And it and doesn't make a difference.

And so here's what I wanna do in this episode. We're gonna try to find the answers to a few questions that have to do with disciplining our children specifically when it comes to spanking. And and here are the two questions I hope that we can answer. First one is is this. Should parents spank their children?

Should we do this? Should we not do it? What's the answer to that? And the second one, is spanking biblical? Is this something that is biblically mandated?

Is it something that we're is it is it an opinion? Is it a thing that we've heard people say we're supposed to do that believe in Jesus, but it's not really biblical? Is spanking biblical? And here's the thing. The topic of spanking is is pretty controversial because everybody has their opinion on the subject.

And this is understandable given the complexity of the issue. Like, for some of us, there's uncertainty about whether the Bible clearly addresses this issue or their practice. Some people, some of us, we believe that spanking is supported by our faith, while other people, maybe some of you listening here today, you oppose it due to concerns about potential harm to the child. I mean, we are talking about causing minimal physical harm to your child, and you're wondering if is it even necessary. Here's what I'll say.

Regardless of where you stand, external influences can shape our views on whether or not to spank our children. And we kinda have to talk about these because I think some of these external opinions and views can cause confusion and help us or not help us, but hold us back from leading and parenting with confidence and boldness and and surety that what we're doing is right and best for our children instead of being confused. And so the tensions I think at play here, there's two of them, that can cause confusion when it comes to disciplining our children. The first one is there's social pressure. First one is social pressure.

You see in our society, the topic of spanking can can spark strong opinions, especially from people outside of the church. This opposition has included calls for bans from pediatricians, child's right advocates, social scientists, articles like Psychology Today, and parents who are have, like, genuine fear that they're causing harm to their kids. All these factor into that opposition and that pressure we can face from other parents that that don't go to church, other maybe teachers or pediatricians that you've talked to. There's this social pressure that that spanking your child is not okay. I have this quote here from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

They put it like this. Corporal punishment is of limited effectiveness and has potentially harmful side effects. You hear this, I hear this, and I go, okay. As a believer, hold on. I know the Bible speaks about this, or I have inklings that the Bible speaks about this, but here are professionals, the Academy of of Pediatrics.

I mean, these are people with PhDs. They have experience in their field, in their work with degrees and all these things, and they're telling me that spanking my child is negative for my child. Could all these well meaning experts be wrong? That's what I ask myself. I I read these articles.

I've done my research getting myself ready to, you know, provide information for this podcast episode, and a part of me is like, man, I'm a little on the fence here because here are these people that are way more qualified in children health saying that this is not good. And the question I have, because I feel like the Bible is the authority on everything, could these well meaning experts be wrong? Here's a thought I want you to chew on real quick. Pastor Sam Crabtree says this, good parenting gives out way more affirmation commending the commendable than correction. I'll say that one more time.

Good parenting gives out way more affirmation commending the commendable than correction. And this is what he's saying. He's saying the real issue is not discipline itself. It is when discipline crosses the line. The issue is not we need to discipline.

You're gonna hear on this podcast multiple times, and if you've tuned into the last episodes, we've even mentioned it there. But discipline is a must for Christian parents. It is nonnegotiable. It is something we must do, and we're gonna talk about it more on the tail end of our talk today. But but the real the real struggle when it comes to spanking is is when it crosses the line.

It's not that we don't discipline. It's making sure that our discipline doesn't cross the line. Because I think a lot of the pediatrics, or the pediatricians, I think a lot of the the people in academia that are anti spanking, they they lump all spanking and all physical correction together, not thinking about how it is done. Many opponents of spanking lump all physical correction together, not thinking about how it is done, ignoring timing, intent, and method. So so in other words, here's what I'll say.

Wise correction is not the same as harmful punishment. Wise correction is not the same as harmful punishment. Think of it this way. Just because there's bad preaching doesn't mean all sermons are garbage. A bad movie doesn't mean we stop making movies, unless it's Netflix movies.

They should all be we should stop making Netflix movies. They're terrible. But but here's the point. Just because there's bad apples, just because there's bad spanking doesn't mean all spanking or all discipline is bad. There's timing, intent, and there's method behind it, and we have to think about how it is done.

In the same way, a bad example of spanking does not mean the idea itself is beyond redemption. Could it be that thoughtful, loving correction, including spanking, can be beneficial when done wisely? I believe it can be when done correctly, and and here's what I'll say. We will expand on that later, but I do think right off the bat, I do believe spanking is biblical, and I think when done right is essential when it comes to raising our children. And we'll expand on it more later in detail.

The second tension, the first one was social pressure. Right? Maybe parents, that aren't believers that you've talked to that don't spank their children and kinda make you feel bad about doing it, or when he brings it up, it's kinda awkward or talking to pediatricians. There's a pressure not to do it. But the second tension is this.

We've all heard the phrase, spare the rod, spoil the child, especially if you grew up in church or your circle's other Christian families, which it should be. They've probably brought this up. You gotta if you spare the rod, if you don't spank your kids, you're gonna spoil the child. We've all heard this phrase before. And and the meaning of the phrase is this, if a parent does not discipline a misbehaving child, that child will get used to getting their own way and as a result, develop into a spoiled child.

Right? If if we don't discipline, if we don't spank our kids, they're they're you're gonna spoil the child and they're gonna be brats, and that's not what you want. Now here's the thing about this phrase that we gotta talk about. This phrase is not found in the Bible anywhere. Let me say this again.

I know I just bursted the the hopes and dreams of so many parents, but the truth is this is not found in the Bible anywhere. This quote directly is not found anywhere in the Bible. It is a misquote of a proverbs of a proverb, proverb thirteen twenty four, which it says this, Proverbs thirteen twenty four, whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. The true meaning of this verse is this. Not disciplining your child is equal to hating your child.

Not disciplining your child is equal to hating your child, And correction discipline, which may include spanking at times, is a way of loving him or her. In other words, letting your child do whatever they want without consequences is not and will not ever be beneficial to your child. It's never gonna be beneficial. That's the reason why there's Proverbs. The word of God is filled with the importance of disciplining our kids and us being disciplined by God the father ourselves.

It is a essential practice in the way of Jesus Christ that all of us parents need to abide by. And so here's the thing. You may have heard the phrase, spare the raw, spoil the child. It's not it's not found in the Bible. It's a misquote of Proverbs thirteen twenty four.

But the proverb itself is pro discipline, and it's it's making sure that we realize if we do not discipline, we are essentially hating our child because we want them to grow up without without any guidelines, without any roadmaps, without any boundaries, and that is dangerous. You see the better, more loving action as a parent is to guide a child away from sinful ways and to turn them towards a better path. And so those are the two tensions. We have social pressure, and then we have the spare the rod, spoil the child misquote that we gotta make sure don't don't they don't confuse us. We know what the Bible says.

We know what the word of God stands for, and we can now lead with confidence and not confusion. Now let's talk about the the rod for a second because it is in the Bible, and there may be some misinterpretation of what the rod stands for in the bible. Let's talk about it. The word rod, it represents a thin stick or switch that can inflict a small amount of physical pain with no lasting physical injury. Right?

We're not leaving bruises or cuts. This is a a thin stick or switch that inflicts a small, small amount of damage or a small amount of physical pain that gets our point across. You see, in ancient Hebrew culture, sheep were crucial, for agriculture, livelihood, and we we see this in the bible all the time. David was a shepherd boy. You know, he he was in charge of the livestock of his first family.

It was it was a vital role in society in Hebrew culture. Shepherds played a vital role in guiding and protecting the sheep from predators. And here's what they used to do that, to protect the sheep and to guide the sheep. Shepherds used a staff to guide sheep and a rod to redirect them. A staff to guide and a rod to redirect them.

The practice of spanking is derived from the use of the rod while the staff represents alternative methods of discipline. Right? You have the rod that would hit the hit the sheep in the leg or in the neck to let them know, hey. You're about to go off a cliff. You need to redirect and go a different direction.

The staff was more loving, guiding, kind of holding your hand, letting you know that this is the correct way. There's two methods of discipline. Now I wanna talk about just kind of a side note, what discipline with a staff should look like and can look like. Three three different things, because here's the truth. Yes, the topic we're talking about is mainly spanking, but we're gonna see this later.

It's not the only method. Right? We're not just gonna be like a one trick pony of a parent. Like, all we do is spank, because then we're gonna have kids that hate us forever, and that's not what we need to do. There's there's a method to what we're trying to get across here.

And so so before we make spanking our only tool in our tool kit, here's some other ones that you could add, that can help. And then there's some, me personally, that I'm doing with my, two year old daughter, Eden, that have been working out words to the point where we don't even have to spank at times, because these are these are more effective. And so this is what discipline with a staff can look like. First one is this, verbal redirection. Verbal redirection.

This helps kids understand boundaries. For example, we give them the yeses along with the noes. With young kids, it might look like this. No. You can't touch that, but you can touch this.

Hey. Don't touch that electric socket. Why don't you play with this toy? It's just it's just redirecting, giving them direction of, like, don't go there. Try this.

No to that. Yes to this. Second is timeouts. Timeouts are used to help calm the mind and regain self control. Because when we have young kids, especially toddlers, they don't know how to process in their mind, and they don't know how to slow their mind down.

They don't know how to speak when they're angry. They don't know how to they are learning how to live as human beings, and and so there's gonna be consequences to that. And so time outs just help them calm their mind, reengage self control. And you know what I love about timeouts? And I I didn't really think about this until I read into this.

This practice aids in developing long term self regulation skills. And I just think time out teaches our children when they get older, like, even me as an adult, like, when your emotions are high, when you're about to lose self control, the Holy Spirit allows us to to breathe, take time off for us to be mature in our faith to go, okay. I know that there's some things that trigger me. I know that I'm getting I feel my ears getting hot. I feel my face getting flushed.

I need to settle down, give myself a time out, and I think and then and at least a calming, at least a more peaceful resolution for maybe there's an argument you're having with your wife or whatever. Like, for example, me and my wife, we have a time out system that we learn to do through our therapist where if things are just getting heated and the kids are around or or or or we're getting on the verge of saying things that may be disrespectful, it's just a time out. Two minutes, three minutes, an hour. We just give ourselves a time out. And, again, easier said than done.

But I think if we do it with our children, just like with us adults, it just helps them in the long run, time outs. Third thing is loss of privileges. This works when the child understands why they lost something and when the punishment matches the behavior. For example, with my daughter, Eden, this is kind of like the main, tool that we use for for punishing her and for disciplining her. Whenever she hits somebody like her cousin, Reese, pray for Reese.

He's a champ, but he's like her punching bag. And we're trying our best. She's doing a lot better. And when she doesn't listen, but she's very, like, she's very angry. She doesn't wanna share.

She doesn't listen. We've called her, like, five times already to go take a bath or she's disrespectful. We get her favorite toy at the moment, and we go, hey. If you do not listen, then no more Woody. She loves Toy Story.

No more Buzz. And can't just be any toy. It's gotta be a toy that she knows is going to cause her pain. And what we've seen is whenever we bring that option up, hey. If you don't take a shower, if you don't go to mom, if you don't go to dad, if you don't sit down, we are going to turn off the movie.

We're going to take away a toy. We're going to do x, y, and z. She understands that I must stop doing what I'm doing or else there's gonna be consequences, and more most times than not, it works, and, not everything's perfect. There are times that we have to spank. There are times where we have to do a time out, but these are other ways.

This is the staff of being a shepherd a shepherd. This is our tool bag that we can use, instead of going to to spanking right away. You see, in their jobs as a shepherd, shepherds use their staffs far more than their rods, and I just believe as parents, we should do the same. Let's use our staffs more than we use our rods to discipline our children. Now maybe you're wondering and and maybe you've you've questioned this yourself, but I feel like this this begs the question what we're talking about.

Is there such thing as good spanking? Right? We've talked about the topic of spanking in general, but is there good spanking? How do we do it? What's the timing?

What's the intent? What's the process? What's the the one, two, three step guide to making sure that we aren't doing thing anything wrong or harmful? You see, when when parents in love administer a measured amount of physical correction in response to defiance, not frustration or anger, but to defiance, disrespect, pushing boundaries, that's when I think we're we're we're starting on the right track for implementing good spanking. You see, defiance and that's why I wanted to use that word, and I wanted to define it because this is kind of what we have to this is kind of our our check mark.

This is kind of our our kind of our notification. Like, okay. This is when we should be in in kind of spanking territory here. Defiance, you see it starts internally, and it shows up as tantrums or rebellious attitudes or spirit. Physical discipline, like spanking, targets these behaviors by influencing the body to change the attitude.

Does that make sense? We we influence the body to change the attitude. So when defiance starts to boil up and there's tantrums and there's rebellious attitudes and our kids are out of control, spanking may come into play because we are now going to strike the body to change the attitude. Letting them know like, hey, what is happening right now? How you are behaving?

How you're acting? How you're not listening? How you're being disobedient? With this spanking is going to trigger this is not okay. Defiance is not gonna be okay in my house.

Defiance is not gonna be okay in public. Defiance is not gonna be okay around other people, and we're going to nip this in the bud right here, right now. And here are some proverbs that back this up, and we're gonna expand on them here in a little bit more. It says this, I'm reading Proverbs thirteen twenty four once again, but I wanna bring it up just because, again, it it's it's one that is is vital to this conversation. Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs twenty two fifteen. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline discipline, what does it do? It drives it far from him. Right? So there's that defiance to folly.

It's bound up in the heart. Right? Our kids are sinners. I know we think they're angels, but they're sinners who need Jesus just like us, and that sin manifests itself in many ways. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

The rod of discipline. Proverbs twenty nine fifteen. The rod and reproof give wisdom. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. So here we have another, kind of a tool, another term here that we that we haven't talked about, but but it's included now with the rod is the rod and reproof give wisdom.

But here's the thing. Once again, here's the promise the Bible gives us if we do not discipline our kids. A child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Now we read these, and you may question whether the rod is literal in these texts. But I think just plain reading supports that, yes, the rod is a literal thing that it's talking about here using a stick or a switch for physical correction.

Scripture pairs the rod with reproof, showing it is a tool, not replacement for loving instruction. Right? So it's not just reproof, just words. It's the rod and reproof are a tool that we use for loving instructions. Okay.

Three observations from these proverbs that we read. Let me read them one more time. Proverbs thirteen twenty four, proverb Proverbs twenty two fifteen, and Proverbs nineteen fifth twenty nine fifteen. Excuse me. Three observations from these proverbs.

A literal interpretation of these passages shows that a rod is an actual instrument used physically to command attention. Two, verbal correction alone, is that enough for effective awakening, getting your child's attention and making sure that they know that you mean business, mom and dad, as shown by both practical experience and biblical references. For example, another proverb, Proverbs twenty nine nineteen states this, by mere words, a servant is not disciplined. Right? By mere words, a servant is not disciplined.

It's not just words. It's not just speaking. We have to include the rod at times when it comes to discipline, especially if things are getting out of control and we're losing, our home and we're losing, our children's respect. Number three, the rod is presented alongside verbal correction as a disciplinary measure. Proverbs twenty nine fifteen again, rod and reproof give wisdom.

Rod and reproof give wisdom. Both. If the rod were solely a metaphor for reproof, this passage would lack coherence. But I believe it was included for a purpose to let us know that we need both things, our words and our actions, to make sure our children know that discipline is something that's gonna happen if they misbehave. Now for those who are listening to this or will listen to this, if you oppose spanking, here's what I want you to consider.

That when used judiciously, consistently, and with care, physical discipline can contribute a to shaping a child's character and guiding them towards positive development. I really believe this. I believe because it's in the Bible, because I've seen it in my own life, and I've and just countless of people that I've spoken to who were spanked as a child, it does lead to physical it does lead to positive development. And so if you're opposed to spanking, I just want you to consider these things and to to can you stick with me here? And I just think that by the end of this, I pray that, your mind would be more inclined to do it, and be open to it and see that it can be something that is positive for your child, not just now, but in the future as teenagers and adults.

So so here's a helpful guide to this question. Right? So should we spank our kids as children, and is spanking biblical? A helpful guide to this question is spanking biblical. Right?

Two things. And this is from Focus on the Family. It's a great resource. If you never heard of them, look them up. They're they're great.

And they have a Christian pediatricians, Christian child behaviorist behavioralist, that are incredible, excuse me, that are awesome and that are way more that PhDs, way smarter than me. It's a great resource. But I got this just from their website. When it comes to spanking, is it biblical? And they say this, spanking may be right when a child is in an extremely unsafe situation, deliberately defiant and disobedient, and severely disrespectful.

So so spanking comes into play, and spanking becomes an option. It gets on the table when a child is extremely is in an extremely unsafe situation, deliberately defiant and disobedient, and severely disrespectful. Spanking is not right when a child is simply being a child. They're being goofy. They're being silly.

We don't spank just because of that. Another reason is impulsive. Sometimes our kids are gonna make mistakes knowing what they did was wrong, and we just gotta make sure that we're not quick to just you know, we're not in the wild, wild west quick trigger with our hand or with our belt or with our whatever it is. Like, sometimes they're gonna make impulsive mistakes. We can talk to them about it instead of going straight to spanking.

Or if they had an accident, they made a mistake. That that's gonna happen. And, and so spanking is not right when a child is simply being childish, impulsive, or had an accident. Now this takes me and this brings us to our main points. And really what I wanna the heart of what I'm talking about, get into into some points here that I think you can memorize, you can have with you.

Also a reminder, we have our show notes in the podcast notes, on Spotify. And, we're gonna see how we can put them on YouTube. But our we're gonna do our best to make sure you have the notes so that you can have this and apply this, the day of or the week of. And just so it can help you and you can have it. You don't have to try to memorize everything that we talk about.

But if you wanna relisten to the podcast, you could do that as well. And so here's what I did. I think we we I think we define that there is such thing as good spanking, but what does it look like in detail? And so here are six principles for good spanking I want us to go through. Six principles for good spanking.

And the first one is this. Lead with love. Lead with love. Here's what we have to understand. God, our perfect, loving father, uses the rod.

And this is this is all straight from the Bible. This is not my opinion. This is not my, you know, this is not my way of trying to manipulate you into a a message I'm trying to get across. This is the truth. God, our perfect loving father, uses the rod.

Look what he says, and look what the Bible says in second Samuel seven verses 14 to 15. I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son. When he commits iniquity, I will discipline him with the rod of men, with the stripes of the sons of men, but my steadfast love will not depart from him. So God is our father, and we are his sons and daughters. And when we commit sin, iniquities, mistakes, we are going to be disciplined with the rod of men.

We will be God will not because he loves us, God will not allow us to continue to walk in disobedience for much for for much time because he loves us. But here's a beautiful thing. His steadfast love, his love that never ends will never depart from us. We will always he will always love us, and because of that love is going to stem discipline. He will discipline us with the rod of men, with the stripes of the sons of men.

Within a loving parenting relationship, believe it or not, spanking can be an important time of connection when it is done with calmness, explanation, and immediate reconnection with love. When I the times I spanked my daughter, which side note, by the way, I learned this from some of the pastors at our church in Miami at Calvary, They don't use their hand because they never want their hand to be associated with you know, they never want, spanking to be associated with the parent and and seeing that it becomes a negative thing in the future. So they use, like, a like, a a paint a paint, mixer, like those little sticks, and, and they use that as, like, hey. This tool when you see this tool, you know that you're in big trouble. And and it's almost like sometimes for example, the reason I say this is because sometimes I I grab that paint stick, and my daughter knows that what she like, she's a like, the problem is solved without spanking having to happen.

Right? Because I spanked her once with it. Now she knows she's associated with it. Like, I messed up, and I messed up big time. And my dad's not playing.

My mom's not playing. And so I gotta be careful here. And and what I say is the times where I do go through with spanking with that paint stick or that paint mixer, I try to make sure there's reconnection of love. There's not I spank. I walk away, and I just let her sit there crying.

No. It's like I go, hey. Because you did an x, y, and z, dad dad had to spank you, dad dad had to hit you, whatever. But but I love you. I'm for you.

I love like, I'm like, we love you, and we it usually ends with a hug. And, and I just think we gotta be careful because we're missing an opportunity to really to really connect with our children, and to do something God himself does for us. I'll put it this way. Effective spanking evolve involves responding in love, not reacting in fear. Effective spanking involves responding in love, not reacting in fear.

The fear what fear am I talking about? The fear that you have lost control of this human you are raising. Spanking outside of a loving relationship only produces angry kids, kids who are more likely to rebel to take part in a relationship with their parents. And so effective spanking is gonna be done in response and it's gonna be responding love it's gonna be responding in love and not reacting in fear. Because we don't want our kids to be angry with us.

We want them to understand when they get older, man, I'm thankful that my mom didn't let me do whatever I wanted. I'm thankful that my dad just didn't let me run crazy. I I wanna I wanna make sure that we're not raising our us parents, trying to leave a lasting legacy. We make sure that we discipline now and that we do it in response with love. Second thing.

So the first one is we're gonna lead in love, lead with love. Second, we're gonna be the example. We need to model acceptance of correction. Yes, mom. Yes, dad.

We need to model this. Let the children see you confessing, repenting. Let them see you saying sorry, the magic word that fixes everything. Let them see that, that you are not perfect, that you make mistakes, but you lead in the way of saying sorry, repentance, and correction, and confessing. Do not expect your children to follow rules you do not obey yourself.

Do not expect your children to follow rules you do not obey yourself. So I'm gonna make sure that if I say something to mommy that is offensive or something that is out of line, out of bounds, I'm going to say sorry. I'm going to tell my children, dad messed up. Dad is not perfect. Jesus is the only perfect one.

That's why we need him. That's why we lean on him. But dad is sorry. Dad made a mistake, and and and I'm and we move forward. And so we're the examples.

Right? Like, dads and moms are the examples. Like, as a youth pastor, and I've said this in in recent episodes and I've said this in other messages, I only, as a youth pastor, spend one day out of the week with the teenagers, that God has entrusted us with and the parents that have trust us entrusted us with. But parents see their kids every day, every day for dinner, at school drop off, at at at hobbies at school, on the weekends. Like, you are the example.

You you lead the way. It is on you, mom and dad, to make sure you are representing what you want them to do, especially in a relationship with Jesus Christ. But since we're talking about spanking and discipline, be the example of confessing, repenting, and saying sorry. Third thing, we're gonna maintain emotions, and this is challenging. Like, this is difficult.

This is not easy. Right? Especially, in the heat of the moment, kids know how to push our buttons. Right? Kids know how to push our buttons.

My daughter is a devious human being, and she's very smart. And she knows how to get me upset. She knows how to, like, bother me. She knows, and she does it on purpose. It's it's there's a reason God made our devious children cute at the age of two and toddlers cute because if they weren't, you're like, bro, I'm gonna I don't know what I would do to this kid.

But because they're so cute, I will maintain my emotions. And, and so, again, this is challenging. But a time out helps regain composure and avoid ineffective corrections. And so, again, all this, easier said than done, but we gotta practice it. We gotta we gotta do it.

We gotta fight for it. We gotta make sure this is something we keep in our minds when it comes to whether or not to spank in the moment, because we don't wanna spank in anger. Some common common parenting mistakes arise from anxiety, from losing control, or feeling inadequate. And so effective self control involves understanding our role as a teacher and mentor, guiding children to achieve their full potential. The Bible warns us that parents should never abuse their power and authority over their children.

Ephesians six four, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Colossians three twenty one, Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Discipline, physical or otherwise, should not be abusive, unfair, or administered in anger. Discipline, physical or otherwise, if you're using another tool in the toolkit, it shouldn't be abusive, it shouldn't be unfair, and it shouldn't be done in anger. Discipline should be done in love, with purpose, and under control.

Parents, have control of yourself. Have it under control. Don't don't spank out of anger. Don't spank out of emotions. Again, I know sometimes it's difficult, and I know sometimes, myself included, I haven't done this.

But thank God for his grace, for his mercy, and that he has chosen me and you, those listening, to be the parents, to the kids that we have. And grace let grace guide us in this. Let the holy spirit help you with this. If you're somebody with a short fuse, if you're somebody who doesn't do well in I call it like like kids screaming, especially when you have more than one kid. It's like that opening scene in Saving Private Ryan.

You got bullets flying everywhere. You're seeing dead bodies everywhere. It's just an intense scene. You got screaming babies. You got you got it's just a mess.

You got toys hitting you on the on the foot. You're you're like, this is insane, and I'm about to I'm short fuse. I'm about to lose it. We got to ask the holy spirit to help us because we have to make sure we maintain our emotions, that we don't do anything out of anger, and give the enemy, the devil, a foothold in our family and in our parenting. Alright.

Number four, have an expiration date. In our modern culture, spanking has an expiration date in terms of discipline. Experts at Focus on the Family recommend that spanking only be used as a discipline measure for a brief period of time early in your child's life. Now the Bible does not address specific age ranges for this type of discipline, but developmentally, spanking is appropriate only between the ages of 18 and six to seven years of age. And so I'll say it one more time.

Spanking is appropriate only between the ages of 18 and six or seven years of age. After that, it can breed disconnection and passive aggressive behaviors. So parents, if you have younger kids, maybe you have kids kind of on the fringe of six or seven, start, you know, hopefully, removing spanking as your as a tool in your toolkit for discipline, because after that, it can breed disconnection and passive aggressive behaviors. Alright. Number five, only spank privately if possible.

Only spank privately if possible. This is when life must pause for an important time of teaching, so you want to take whatever time necessary. Right? We wanna make sure that when we spank, it's with love, it's with intentionality. There's there's a method behind it.

It's not just emotional. Of course, there's gonna be rare times when a child needs to be spanked appropriately immediately. For example, when your child runs out into the street, that might be a good lesson to be like, hey. We don't do that for your safety. Obviously, that is a safety hazard your child needs to know to to avoid in the future, and a spank may help him remember.

You see, parenting involves many uncertainties, but teaching and guidance eventually lead to to grown children who appreciate your presence, whose company you enjoy. And so why it should be done privately? Because it's something that you wanna teach. You wanna guide. You wanna you wanna you wanna it's an intimate moment with you and your daughter or your son.

Gotquestions.org, which is a great, great apologetic resource for believers, gotquestions.org, they put it this way. Good spanking sets up boundaries such as a limited number of strokes, no breaking of the skin, no impact to ears, eyes, and other parts of the anatomy, vulnerable to injury, and no administering spanking out of rage. And healthy spankings are strengthened by tender follow-up. And looking at this more, this should have been for another point. But, again, when it comes to spanking privately, I think all these things are great.

We set up boundaries. Right? Publicly, we're not gonna spank our kids. One, because we don't wanna embarrass them. We don't want to I just think it's an intimate thing that should be done in private because it allows us to have time to teach and to guide.

But I think publicly, it just there can be a shame aspect to that. There could be an embarrassment aspect to that. And so good spanking, it sets up boundaries. We we don't just spank. We don't just, like, go trigger happy with our spanks.

There's a limited number of strokes. No breaking of the skin. Watch your watch your strength, parents, dads. Watch your strength. No impact to ears or eyes and other parts of the anatomy that are vulnerable to injury, and no administering spanking out of rage.

And that's why I think, I put this in this, point because I think when you spank publicly, it could be something out of rage, it could be something out of stress, and, and we gotta make sure we we don't do that. And healthy spankings are strengthened by tender follow-up, reconnection of love. Okay. Point number six, our final point, is this. Look for other options first.

And so this is what I wanted to bring up for parents that are kind of on the fence about spanking their kids or maybe, anti spanking their kids. This message is not about how we can spank our kids and go crazy with that with that toolkit or with that that form of discipline. No. It's let's look for other options first. I'm pro leaving spanking for last and allowing other forms of discipline to be at play.

And so when in it when immediate danger arises or other methods fail, a spank may be used to prevent that behavior from repeating. Now here's the point. Spanking is not the only tool in the toolbox, but must be accompanied by other tools of parenting. Wise parents don't start with spanking, but with other measures. And we talked about that earlier, rewards.

Hey. If you stop doing this, you will get this. Right? You know, for example, my daughter would always drop her food, throw her food, and when she was eating, and we go, hey. If you continue to do that, no movie.

And if she did, like, literally, after we said it, she threw her food. There was no movie. Like, we you have to keep your promise. You have to stand strong in what you're disciplining in that moment. Don't give in to cries.

Don't give in to good looks. Don't give in to cute little baby eyes. Make sure you stand strong because if not, they will never obey your word again. So other measures or other tools in your tool could be rewards, the loss of privileges, the look of disapproval. Right?

We we let them know that we mean business and that this is their first step before we get the paint mixer and restor restitution. Right? There's time outs, loss of privilege, verbal redirection, rewards, interruptions, the look of disapproval. All these things can happen before we go to spanking. And so let me make this point across again.

Look for other options first, parents. If you feel like if you feel like your main method of discipline has been spanking, can I challenge you to maybe rethink your list of how you do that, and try leaving spanking for last? I promise you this, and and this is again, I'm not gonna tell you something that I myself am not doing or am learning from. We haven't had the spank eating, man, for for a couple months now, for several months, because the other forms of punishment work. Now there have been instances.

Like, for example, one issue that my daughter's having is she, all of a sudden, forgot how to drink water. She just forgot the lost art of drinking water. So she has a bottle now, and she spills it or she pours it on herself instead of drinking it like a normal human being in society. And so we are getting to the point where we've we've we've verbally communicated to her already. If this continues, she will get.

She will get spanked. Now we haven't had to do it yet, but I I promise you, we are making sure that she knows that if it continues, there will be consequences. But we've seen that other forms of discipline have been working. So, again, we're not gonna just spank the spank. I don't like doing it.

I'm honestly not a fan of it. I I don't feel good doing it, but I've done it, and I will do it if it has been if it if it disciplines my daughter and if she gets the message and if it helps her with the right love, with the right connection, with the right mindset, it is a positive. And I believe in it, and I will apply it in my household. And so let's go over them real quick one more time, and then we'll conclude today's episode. The six principles for good spanking, lead with love, be the example, maintain emotions, have an expiration date, only spank privately if possible, and look for other options first.

So to conclude, I wanna look at those proverbs we read one more time and and think about them again. I think what they emphasize is that loving discipline helps the child. Loving discipline helps your child. It is not going to be a negative thing. It's gonna help them.

Loving discipline done the right way helps the child. While some parents, maybe you're listening, you have a hands off approach, I just believe to generally care for your child, you have to provide the right discipline. And so I think a hands off approach is a sip a slippery slope. I don't think it's a it's gonna be a win in the long run. You may feel like it's working now, but I just think you're setting up your child for failure in the future and raising a soft child, a child that's gonna be spoiled, a child that is gonna, for lack of a better term, walk all over you.

And so I think if you wanna be a caring parent, you gotta provide the right discipline. Does that mean spanking? No. Like I said earlier, it's it's it's not the only tool in the toolbox, but you need right discipline. Correcting harmful behaviors like laziness and dishonesty in child, or if you have a teenager, correcting harmful behaviors like laziness and dishonesty prevents greater issues in adulthood.

This is why this is so important. I I hope the message I'm getting across today is more than just spanking. It's that we have to address the sin issue now, the disobedient issue now, so this doesn't become a greater issue when our kids are adults or teenagers. Again, are kids gonna be perfect as teenagers? No.

Are they gonna be perfect as adults? No. I'm I'm a son, and I'm not perfect, and I'm not the best son. I'm not the perfect son. I make mistakes, but I I obey the word of God, and I obey my mother and my father, and I don't rebel against them.

I I have a friendship relationship with my parents now because of the discipline they instilled in me at a young age. So so correcting harmful behaviors now prevents greater issues in adulthood. Early correction is less painful is less painful than facing consequences later in life. Let me say that one more time. Early correction, correction right now with our young children is less painful than facing consequences later in life.

It feels painful in the moment. I don't like disciplining my child. I don't like seeing them cry. I don't like them not liking me for a little bit, but I rather have that now than face the consequences later in life. Because everyone inherits a sin nature.

Everyone needs discipline. Because everyone inherits a sin nature, everyone needs discipline, myself included. Correction is a blessing that prevents shame and undue hardship down the road. Parents not disciplining a child overlooks the significant benefits it can provide later in life. And I'll finish with this.

This is a quote from Joe Maddon. He was the manager of the Chicago Cubs when they won their first ever World Series. He is a a great manager in baseball. I don't know exactly where he's managing right now, but there was there was a press conference that he held after one of the playoff games the year that the Cubs won the World Series. It was, it was after the game, and they were just asking him questions.

And and the question along the was along the lines of how he coaches his players. And, and he talks about coaching them hard, being honest with them, and not shying away from quest or not shying away from correcting them even when it hurt. And this is a quote that he said that has stuck with me ever since, and I've shared this in leadership talks with our youth leaders and our staff in in the church that I'm a part of in Miami. And he said this, but but and and the reason I'm sharing this before I share it is because it has to do exactly with what we're talking about when it comes to spanking and discipline. He says this, I rather have them hate me for a week than hate me for a lifetime.

I rather have them hate me, them being his players, hate me for a week than hate me for a lifetime. What he's saying here is I'm going to have to have a conversation with a player that I care about, and it's gonna be uncomfortable. But it needs to happen because right now this person is not pitching very well. Right now this person is doing a lot of errors on defense. Right now their hitting is below average, and they kinda need to pick it up.

And so I'm going to correct them. I'm going to discipline them knowing that I may have to bench this player because of their their lack of excellent play, and because of my decision to discipline them, to correct them, they may not like me because I'm I'm taking away playing time. I'm saying things that hurt their feelings. They may not like me for a week, but I'd rather them not like me for a week than for a lifetime, meaning that I was honest with them, I was truthful with them, and what I said was meant to help them. Instead of going, if I would have withheld that information, though it was uncomfortable, I was doing a disservice for them for their lifetime.

Because if I didn't tell them the truth, they go to another team, and the other team doesn't tell them what they need to do. I'm not helping them. So parents, we need to discipline our kids. And, yes, that may include spanking. But let's use what we learned today to make sure it's done in the right way, in a loving way, and can be beneficial to our children when they become teenagers and adults, and that we can make sure that we are parents to our kids now, and we do the hard work now, and we could be friends with them later.

That's my prayer. That's my hope. That's what I want Jesus to bless me with, that I'm doing what his word tells me to do with my daughter Eden, what we're gonna do with my son Jude. And that one day when I'm old and in my sixties, I can be friends with my kids, and we can enjoy a drink. We can enjoy a nice meal.

We can go to a concert, an event. We can hang out and be friends and, enjoy quality time together. And the disciplining's over. The disciplining's done. Now I get to be a friend to my kids.

Am I always gonna be a parent? Yes. But now I can have a a fruitful relationship with my kids because I did all the hard work and I did all the labor when it mattered most. And so let's remember, we're all on the way. We're all on the way trying to be better parents, and and that includes possibly spanking our kids.

And, and so I pray this helps you. I pray this blesses you. And to look for an opportunity, if you have young kids, this week to apply this. But remember, subscribe, like, leave us a comment, leave us a question, leave us a topic you wanna hear from them you wanna hear us from you wanna hear from us, but also share this with somebody. We love you guys.

We'll see you next month for the On The Way podcast. God bless you guys.