063 - Intensity in siblings: balance, guilt and the needs of each child

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you might need a little encouragement to keep going on the harder days and permission to do things differently And help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but sometimes challenging kids. I'm Anouk, and I'll be navigating this with you.

Disclaimer, this is for information purpose only and won't replace professional Today, we'll talk about, siblings or other kids. This is something that's that I'm asked really often. So, yeah, we're diving into it today. When we have more than one child, and the the the chances are is that there will be conflict needs. It's almost always the case.

And when we have intense kids, the conflict will be more intense. Like, most of what we're going through, it's just more. And and this also like, lots of what I'm gonna talk about can also apply to us as parents, the conflicting needs, for example. And, this makes it complex because what one child needs might if we answer that needs, we might go against the needs of another child. And it's very hard.

And we will live a lot of guilt associated with that because we won't be able to acknowledge or, respond to the needs of each children at any given time. And this is especially true when you have a child that is asking either for more or more loudly. And I think that's true in every family, and that's also true in classrooms. You always have kids that are more out there, more expressive in their needs, and others that will be more silent. Doesn't mean they need less, or they are less intense, but they are more internalized in the way they ask for things.

They might even need help expressing their needs instead of putting them really out there for everyone or at least for the parents to know and see. And those are often the forgotten child. And if you have one or more than those kids for different reason, it can be because you have a child that has a lot of, extra needs or some or one that really asks really loudly. Those or that child that is kind of going into the background, it brings a lot of guilt for us as parents because we don't want that. We want to give every kid what he need.

But let's be honest. It's just human when one is asking way louder to just we we physically need for our own safety to answer that child's needs. Why is it that some child don't ask us loudly? It's just because their, their reaction to stress is different. They will be more the kind of freeze than fight, for example.

The fight ones are generally the ones that act much more loudly. It's just another way to survive in some way to the the reaction. But that makes it so that we often struggle and live a lot of like, we go through a lot of guilt to not be able to answer that child's needs. And that means it's and that child needs things too, sometimes even, like, as much or maybe even more. But we don't have that, push to answer to those needs.

But when we want to answer anyway because we know that child needs some things that we are might not be able to answer. It's not just a matter of not, not like, we know the child needs something, but sometimes it's just we have too much on our plates. We don't have the energy to answer to all of those needs. And sometime, just we need to have help. We need to ask for other people to help fulfill those needs.

And it can be as simple from sometimes as having one hour meeting with a professional a week to answer at least part of the needs of that child. It's imp like, sometimes it's really, impressive. Sorry. I was looking for the word. To see what that can do.

An hour of dedicated agile time, which in our everyday life is very, very hard to do. But if we can do that with a professional, with a family friend, with sibling of ours, with a grandparents, anybody that we trust, that the child trusts and feels safe with, and have that dedicated time with makes a huge difference. And, of course, if we can have that even maybe just a little less time, but some time with that child, it's it's great. But acknowledging that child has needs that we might not be able to fulfill fully ourself, but others can, it's okay. We live a lot of guilt to not be able to fulfill our over our kids' needs, by ourself, but it's not really realistic.

And we we were not doing that not so long ago. Family add more the families add more help with kids. And so when we have kids with extra need, it's especially important to get support. And most of the time, that's the opposite that happens. We get less support because we cannot necessarily have that support for that easily, and we might not trust people with our kids as much because we know they have needs that not everyone understands and is able to fulfill.

So it might be complicated, but it is especially necessary to get help from outside. The other thing that I wanted to address is the fact that we put a lot of weight on ourself about the results of our kids' relationship as siblings. So most parents want their kids to go, like, go well together, play well together when they're little, and, like, get along well when they go up. The thing is we don't have much control on that. That it's not the parent won't be the person who will will make that huge difference on if a child has if the siblings, they have good or not so good relationship as teens or adults.

And things might change a lot. Kids who don't have very good relationship as kids can go along well when they're adults and the opposite way too. So we tend to future plan a lot in that area. But and especially if we have a child who needs extra help and we would like the siblings to help, which is kind of natural, when they are older. All of that is a lot of future planning and a lot of anxiety that we don't have any control over.

So I I know just telling you to just stop worrying is absolutely useless, but that's kind of what we need to do because we don't have control. And the way we deal with the kids' relationship now won't have as much impact as we think it might when the kids are older. I've seen kids that are go along so well. And, honestly, the parents are not necessarily doing anything specific. They're just their character just go well together.

That's it. And other kids just don't no matter what their parents are doing. And so there's little power. The same way as we have little power on what our kids are doing, who they are. They are their own little per people.

You know? And so this is the thing that's hard sometimes. It's that we, we think we have control and that everything we do will have an impact on their relationship, which is not necessarily that true. And it impacts the way we deal on our daily basis when we think that and how we manage the relationship, how we manage activities. So for example, we might focus on family activities because we want our kids to bond.

But if that brings a lot of conflicts, it might be better to not do as many family activity and do things separately. That might will likely create a better relationship than if we have kids that are all together all the time and don't necessarily go well in their activity together. And the other thing on that front is the, issue of equity and and equality, like fairness. That apply here the same way and apply in larger society. Each child need their own things, and we cannot answer each child needs the same way.

There's lots of pressure to, like, treat each every child equally, which is not realistic. Some kids need some things, and others might like, maybe some kids need a lot of time with us as parents, and others, not so much. It might be a matter of age, but not necessarily. Some teens need more time with their parents than some eight years old. It just depends of the child.

And so trying to be equal won't work. We need to try and answer each child's needs the way they need us to. They don't need the same thing from us. So we cannot be the same parent for each of our children, which makes it hard because we kind of need to reinvent ourselves as parents with each kids. But it's also freeing in some way because it means we don't have to try and be the same.

We can adapt. We can modify. We can do things differently. And once we know that and we can also explain that to children when they'll, like, raise the it's not fair thing that most kids will at some point. Sometimes some more than others.

Yeah. It's not fair. It's not fair because each child needs something different. We're not trying to be fair here. We're trying to fill everyone's needs, and the needs are different.

So it won't be fair, quote, unquote. It will just be, I'm filling your needs as much as I can, as best as I can, and as best as I know how. And it's the same for your chill or or your sister, your brother, your no matter, like, your siblings. I'm going to do the same as much as I can, as much as I know how. And it's not gonna look the same because you all need something different, And that's also a way to talk with them.

And, like, the there's the silent needs, and there's the express needs as I was saying a bit earlier. It's and I really wanna preface this with I absolutely don't wanna add guilt. But sometimes the forgotten child, we do forget them as parents in some way, and we don't fulfill their need because we are overwhelmed, because we have too much on our plate. So I just wanna raise the fact that it's important to sometimes go get those needs because it's not because a child doesn't explain express their needs that they don't have any needs. It's just that they don't know how or they don't want to for some reason.

And so it's important to go, like, maybe dig a little bit deeper with children who don't express a lot of needs, Especially if there's other kids who express more, some kids will style in their own needs because they see that their parents are overwhelmed. And so if you cannot do that because you have too much on your plates, which is likely the case, it's okay. It's not your fault. It's the situation that makes it hard. I say it a lot.

You're doing your best in the situation you are right now, and that's true here also. The idea is, again, maybe finding someone else who can help finding someone else who can talk with your child and go get the needs. Maybe it's your partner. Maybe it's a professional. Maybe it's a friend.

But just not forgotten because it's it's natural to sometimes, if a child is not asking much, to not wanna dig because we don't have the capacity to fulfill more needs, but the child still needs something. And so I just wanted to raise that and, again, with all the, quoting, the coating on it that it's not your fault. Okay? Don't want to be you to feel more guilt around that. It's just a fact of life, and it's not your fault at all.

And another aspect that can sometimes bring guilt, is that when you have a child with, more needs than the others, the experience of the siblings is often similar as the experience of, of the parent. Maybe with less of the guilt. But, for example, if an adult is a parent, is very struggling with the diagnosis or the the situation of a child, the siblings will also struggle in general. And if a parent is living well with what's going on with a child that has added needs, disabilities will likely live well with it too, which, of course, adds a lot on our our shoulders. But it also means you have a power here So that if you take care of yourself, as I'm repeating again and again and again, if you have support, if you are able to, support your childhood added needs, then the siblings will be feel better.

That will answer part of their needs. So you can lower maybe a little bit of the guilt, by knowing that if you're living positively to some extent, that you're accepting that you've went through your grieving process. Of course, it's never really a end of a grieving process, but you're let letting yourself go through that if needed. Then all of that will be helpful for the siblings too. And we have to acknowledge that a lot of kids, if they have siblings who have extra needs, they might have added responsibility.

They might be young caregivers. And as much as we would like that not to be true, it's true. And it's kind of natural, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's help. And some kids can help, and that's okay.

But it's also important to validate that's what they're going through and let them be kids still as much as possible. And tell them sometimes that those responsibilities that they might be taking for themselves, they're not theirs. So So it's okay if they don't take it. And sometimes we don't do that because we feel some guilt that that child is taking on a little bit more than they might be maybe they should. But just not talking about it, not recognizing it because we feel guilt is not helping anybody.

We feel guilty, and the child is not recognized in what they're doing. It's also validating to like, it's a child who takes a bit more responsibility. It will be a learning for their life in the future. So it's also interesting, but it needs to be said and discussed. And the child needs to have the the permission to some extent to not do it if they they don't feel like it or they cannot, as much as possible again.

And I'm not gonna say it enough, but go get help. Go get support around you as much as you can. And it's okay if, for example, your child with extra needs, you cannot really have help for that child for, like, x y z reason, but you can have help with your other kids. And maybe all your kids have extra needs, which often up often up happens too. All of them are emotionally intense, and it's really difficult to get support directly for the child.

But then ask for support for other things. It might be grocery. It might be cleaning and things like that. Like, ask for what you need because you are not meant to do it alone. And I know that's easy to today, and I know it's not possible for everyone.

And I know, I, myself, sometimes I wanna cry or or, like, yell when people say that because I'm like, yeah. But I cannot get the help I would need for this or that. But sometimes we need to be more creative. We need to change the way we're looking at help, and we need to remove the guilt. And I think lots of time it's that we don't we don't wanna ask for the help.

We don't wanna accept the help that is offered because we feel we should be doing it all alone, which is not the case. So I know some people just don't have the help you need. That's just very hard, and I just wanna validate that as much as possible too. But as much as you can, go get the help and accept the help that's offered even if it feels uncomfortable, Of course, as long as you feel safe with it, don't go get any kind of help. Help sometimes is negative too, but as much as you can.

So I hope that was helpful. And, again, reminder, I really don't want you to feel any guilt any added guilt because of this episode. I really want to, reiterate that it's just you're doing your best. I know you're doing your best right now with whatever you have as help, as support, as an energy, as resources of any kind. But I think it was an important, topic.

So, I hope you're doing not so bad with the support around you. And thank you for joining today for you and for your kids. If you think this episode could be useful for someone around you, please share with them. You'll help them, and you'll tell them I get it, which is a kind of help. If you haven't already, you can subscribe to the new private podcast, You're Not Failing, to stop feeling well while you're doing it wrong and start to build your personal confidence.

It's at familymoments.ca/ not failing in one word. So I hope that you're gonna do well, and I'm here for you so you can be there for your kids. Have a nice day.