062 - Chosen vs. imposed loneliness for parents of atypical children

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on harder days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you are already a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. I'm Anouk, and I'll be navigating it with you.

So today, we are talking about feeling lonely. First, I just wanna say that it is a totally normal feeling that's shared by a lot, probably most, if not all, parents of kids that don't fit, the general expectations for whatever reasons. Why that is? There is many reasons. Why it's first, because we don't feel like people understand our experience, what we're going through.

And that feeling make us feel lonely. And so, like, we're isolated. Like, nobody gets it, basically. And and it's a fact in the sense that most parents don't really understand what we're going through. Most people in our family don't really understand even if some are really trying hard.

And even if, like, we were similar kids, it doesn't mean that people around us really understand because things have changed, expect social expectations have changed. And so, we're still not really there yet, basically, on that large understanding. And I also wanna point that even if our situation is different than what is expected, and different than other families who have that reality, and even if our reality is not the same, our experience is sometime more similar. Of course, it's still different in many ways, but our experience is still similar, and it's still more possible for other parents of kids with, different situation, different need, like the special needs quote. Like, I I know that that's not necessarily the best word, but still, like, those, that's how it's officially categorized.

We are more similar to each other than we think most of the time because there's part of our experience that are very similar and very different from other parents. And even the, official system, the professionals that we're working with, most of the time, they don't really understand what we're going through. And so their frame of reference doesn't really fit our reality. And because of that, we're judged a lot, and I talk about that all all the time. But, like, we are judged a lot as parents.

And that makes it so that we will often stop sharing about what we're going through, like, for real, for many reason. Because when we did, we were judged. When we did, we were pitied. When we did, we didn't feel like there was any resonance with other people. And so we are we stopped sharing about it.

And that makes it that it's hard to connect with other parents that can have an experience similar to ours and that could understand what we're going through because we're not necessarily sharing about it all that much. I want also to address that there's the negative feeling of, like, feeling isolated and not understood and, like, nobody understand what we're going through, gets it, and judge us. But there is also sometimes we're isolated by choice because we need to. Because everything that we are going through is a lot, and there we need to be a little bit alone. We need to have less stimulation.

We have we need to have less demand on our time, energy, emotion, capacity. And so we might isolate ourselves. We might go out less for many reason, both because sometimes going out with our child is an expedition in itself or just because we cannot take any more of that. And this can be very hard because the society we're living in will generally like, we will be told socially that going out, like, doing a lot of things, being very busy is what makes us valuable in this society. So as an example, when my kids, my older one, were little, we I I decided like, we decided that one extracurricular activity per session was enough.

Most of the time, it was not enough. Even one per kid, it was just one of them would have. And the next one, it would be the next session unless it was, like, at the same time or the same activity. Because it was just too much for us on the schedule for many reasons. But when I share was sharing about that in the activity that we were at, it was generally frowned upon, and I was looked at as, like, why are you doing that?

You're understimulating your kids. You're not doing the right thing by most parents who were doing many of those activity for our age kid every week and then complaining it was a lot. But that's another story. But it is the message that we're getting that we should be all the time out of the aisles in contact with other people, doing a lot of things, and putting our kids in, like, a stimulating environment. But sometimes it's just too much.

We need to protect ourselves from judgment, from feeling that we're isolated even if we are with people. Because that's the thing. It's not because we are with people that we don't feel isolated, that we don't feel that we're not like, we can be with lots of other humans but still completely feel isolated. And the the point here is that we need, first, to need that contact and, second, to have the right people around us. So if you need the isolation, if you need to be more alone, more at home, more just in a bubble right now, this is okay.

You can definitely do that. And most of the time, it's a time in your life. Sometime it lasts for a while. And and for example, when we have a new diagnosis, we might need time to process the information. We might need time to, process what's happening, adapt to what our kids needs because we're changing things the way we're parenting, and so it needs a processing period.

And this is all completely valid. And if you're in that period, I I hope you're giving yourself the permission to be there and not force yourself to see other people when you don't need that. But if you need that, if you you're craving to be in contact with other people, the right people that understand you. If you wanna break that feeling, that's the point. You need to find the right people that will understand what you're going through so that you feel part of a community of people that really gets it.

You know? And one step is to clean out the support, the the people around you that are not understanding. It can be temporarily. It can just be, like, we're seeing less those people. Doesn't need to be you're never seeing them again or never talking to them again.

But it just mean like you're making space to have the energy to get in contact with other people that are supportive, that are the right people that really understand what you're going through. Because if you don't, if you give all your relational energy to the people that are not helping, you're keeping yourself in isolation even more because all that energy is going away with the wrong people that are not helping you at all. So it is a necessary step to clean up and to choose who you're going to be in contact with. And to decide, like, who's those who are those people? Who are the people that are making you feel like you're a good parent?

Who are making you feel like what you're going through is not completely absurd, weird. Oh my god. You're poor you or, you're such a bad parent. Like, that's not what we want. We want people that make you feel like what you're going through is somewhat normal because they are going through something similar.

That's what we are looking for. The people that can empathize even if they are not going through something similar but that they are able to understand what you're going through, not judge it, and not put their vision over it. So this is what we are looking for. You can find them in different settings. There's, org community organization that will have parents groups sometimes.

You might find them online because sometimes it's easier. But there is, like, different ways to find them. It's generally, you need to put in some effort, though, to find it. One of the suggestion I'm gonna give you is to come to our monthly, group support meetings that are held every third Monday of the month in English, every first Monday of the month in French at twelve eastern time. And that way 12PM, of course.

And that way, you can get with people that definitely understand what you're going through. And it's pay what you want. You can meeting, so you can pay nothing if you can't pay, or you can help contribute to it being, sustainable, under long all. And so those meeting, there is, like, a moment of focus at the beginning to help you, refocus on what's really important for you, and then we're going into, exchange and support by me and by the other parents that are there. So I invite you to go, on the website at familymoments.ca to find all the information for that.

But, of course, there's many ways you can connect with other parents. So thank you for joining today for you and for your child. If you think this episode could be useful for someone you know, please share. This is one way you can break that, like, isolation feeling because if you send that to someone you know, you're definitely telling them, I get what you're going through. And it's a a great way to create a relationship with that person by making them feel like you understand and you're a safe person to talk to.

So if you haven't already, please subscribe to the new private podcast, You're Not Failing, to stop that feeling that you're not going things correctly and build your parental confidence. You can find it at familymoments.ca/notfailing, in one word. I'm here for you so you can be there for your kids. Have a nice day.